


More than a whisper

by noero



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Divergence, Ereri Week 2015, Future Fic, M/M, No Manga Spoilers, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-04-02 17:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4068250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noero/pseuds/noero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi doesn't know how to handle his feelings for Eren, until they consume him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More than a whisper

A cicada was trapped in the space above his shirt collar, just beneath his right ear. It flapped its desperate wings and buzzed for hours on end. He’d try to shoo it away but it always came back. It made its home there and the roar vibrated through his skull.

He heard that loud drone as they prepared to depart on the Sixty-Third Expedition beyond the walls, wind and endless sunlight on the horizon. They’d made headway deep into Maria’s territory, setting up successful camp at the edge of the last large city. It had taken them years, but with their enemies on the run Erwin finally felt they had the luxury of time on their side and they bathed in that thin beam of light. For the first time they avoided the biggest risks and reaped the benefits.

But time did weird things to the mind when the looming prospect of death was pushed into the shadows. Levi remembered gathering for expeditions and their sense of hope was merely a thin froth atop their fears. He knew the dark and he knew how the worst things waited and bided their time to strike. He never thought he'd be unraveled by the very thing that gave them hope, that a pair of green eyes would render him helpless. 

“I’ll raise your kill count by ten today, Captain!” Eren called out, lips quirked in his cocksure grin. 

Levi snorted at Eren’s show of bravado. "You’ll be panting like a dog just trying to keep up.“

Eren answered with a devilish look and sly grin. “Isn’t that what you want though, sir?” 

Levi swallowed and tightened his grip on the reigns. The patter of his heart behind such careless words sounded just like the hum of those noisy insects. Eren had grown like that over the years, no longer in awe of the world around him and comfortable with Levi’s presence, and always the kid who never met a stranger. He was ranked number two on the squad, plenty skilled with his blades despite being known only for his titan power. It was a pity at times, Levi thought, but reverence had its own cost. The weight Eren carried was heavy enough.

The grinding squeal of the gate echoed around them and they started down the cobblestone path. Levi’s eyes fell back to Eren as he rode up beside his him, brow pinched in usual concentration. He was as he had been when they first met though time had given him strength. For as many times as Eren fell into the dirt he climbed back up. Though he hadn't ranked to Squad Leader like his adopted sister, he never stood in her shadow. Eren shown brighter and stronger because he was _Eren_. His confidence unnerved Levi. It was too much for one person to have. 

As they went forward with soft thud of their horses footfalls, the crowd disappeared behind them. Levi reached out to grab a leaf that had landed on the nape of Eren’s neck, where his slick, olive skin glistened in the humid mid-morning heat. The pads of Levi's fingers skimmed over the moist flesh, lingering a second too long before they drew back. He liked the way his hands looked against Eren’s skin with the soft, flawless and rich hue juxtaposed to Levi’s calloused and scarred palms. 

Eren glanced over his shoulder, his eyes wide and questioning. The breeze tousled his hair and Levi looked away, frightened by the innocence of Eren’s curious gaze. He wiped the sweat from his hands and pulled ahead in the procession. 

"We need to move,” he grumbled, trying to hide his sudden wave of embarrassment. He felt like a child just then, caught in the corridors past curfew. He could feel the squad’s eyes on him, whispering low. His throat went dry and he could feel Eren’s stare as it bore into the wings on his back.

Something pulled at Levi's heart. It was three years to the day since he promised to take personal responsibility for Eren. How he remembered, he didn’t know. The pungent, dank smell of the prison hallway suddenly stung his nose.

__________________

At dinner, the dining hall was a bustling place, far more festive than it had been in years past. Levi always situated himself in the far back corner of the hall, next to Hange who spent more time scribbling in her notebook than enjoying her meal. Eren sat with his friends on the opposite end of the room, the two Levi knew best and, a few nameless faces. 

Levi studied him the way Hange studied everything and stored his own notes in the recesses of his brain. Eren smiled and laughed. He’d make faces and touch his friends. He'd taken the stigma that others gave him and turned it to glory.

On that night, Eren sat next to a girl Levi didn’t recognize. He had a knack for making friends and was especially fond of this one with her long auburn hair and pale skin. Her shoulders brushed against Eren every time she swiped something off his plate and she laughed more than she should. She was too familiar with Eren, Levi decided. She wasn’t even part of their squad.

He elbowed Hange, “She one of yours?”

Hange looked up and her face twisted in confusion. “Who? What?" 

Levi nodded toward Eren with a grim expression, more befitting of appraising a loss on the battlefield than a young soldier’s personal affairs. He'd not realized how he rattled his fingers on the tabletop.

"Oh. That girl by Eren? Yes. She’s one of the new recruits. Sentz. Sarah. Or Seyer. No. Gretta Wiess, that’s it.” She shrugged and promptly pointed her nose back in her notebook. Levi frowned beside her. “But hey, look at this Levi. There’s a pattern. In the summer when we’re out there we always see -”

“How long has that been going on?”

Hange stopped and blinked at Levi, following his gaze back to Eren. “Oh. Ok. Are we still talking about my recruit? Not long. Just tonight I guess. Eren’s cute. She’s cute. They’re cute. What’s the problem? Do you think he’ll knock her up? I mean, that would be really amazing though!" She tapped her cheek, speaking faster as she did when she got excited. "I doubt Eren’s powers could transfer that way but you never know. I thought about it before for actually. It would be a very unethical experiment but if they just did it on their own -”

“Never mind,” Levi snarled, the words fire on his tongue. Hange went quiet and Levi glared at Eren until the boy finally stood and followed the girl out of the room and straight toward the sleeping quarters. The knot in Levi’s stomach grew and grew until he thought it would burn through his belly. He crossed his arms over his chest, just as the buzzing started again. 

As the dining room emptied around them, he heard Hange furiously tapping her pencil at his side. He recognized the sound of Hange on the verge of revelation.

He stood to leave two seconds too late. Just as he pushed his chair back she jumped up and jabbed her pencil toward his chest, eyes wide. Where Levi had expected a teasing smile, however, he saw a flash of concern in her eyes.

The buzz became a roar.

“Levi! He’s–,” Hange hissed, stopping briefly to adjust her glasses. “Levi. I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I’m sorry. It’s just... Eren is -”

“Forget it,” Levi huffed, shoving his chair back and stomping toward the showers. He didn’t need to hear the same speech he’d repeated to himself a dozen times. He should never have said a word.

__________________

There was a story about a princess who waited a hundred years for a man worthy of her beauty. She was trapped inside a stone castle, ageless and silent, until one man burned the country and broke through the walls that held her. She was all that remained of the world beside him, this man that wished to be king. Her beauty remained but the years had turned her heart to ash and her skin to fire, just like the villages he’d burned.

A king, however, couldn't care so long as he could look upon her. She was both the setting and rising sun that could warm him until flowers grew into the rubble that was their kingdom. 

Those tales could stick with children.

They could permeate old souls.

But there was nothing joyful in watching someone, wishing more to touch them. He understood all the same since he still could not look away, like a curse that settled into his bones.

Eren would not love him.

Time only made Levi’s wound fester. Often he'd bleed, down his legs and into the cracks in the stone. The pitying looks he garnered from Erwin and Hange rubbed him raw. Neither of them would ask him for fear of forcing his hand, but they’d catch his eye every time Eren sat with a new companion in the dining hall. It was too often and too many but Erwin made clear Levi wasn't allowed to forbid his squad from dating.

Eren was still near him as Levi wished, no matter what consequence. He liked best for Eren to fetch his tea, light the candles in his office at dusk, and re-oil his gear. Eren was his most trusted subordinate after all, and he was determined and resolute in doing anything that Levi asked. That side of Eren perplexed Levi and tempted him.

“My bed is cold,” Levi said one autumn night, his focus on the documents in front of him. There was no need for Eren to see his face when he spoke such absurdities. “You should stay the night.”

_I heard you were meeting with someone again tonight._

Eren gathered the emptied tea glass and laughed, thinking the invitation a joke. “I can bring you more blankets, sir,” he said. 

_I want to be wrapped up only in you._

“I’ll prepare more firewood for tomorrow night,” Eren said, dusting himself off, "You should be alright for the night. I just stirred the hearth." 

_You're the fire I want._

Eren wrung his hands, still waiting through Levi’s silence.

_I don’t want you to go._

“If there is nothing else, sir?”

_I don’t want you to go._

“You’re dismissed,” Levi said.

__________________

On a bleak gray morning just before winter's first chill, Levi asked Eren to join him on a trek into town for supplies. They needed nothing but Levi grew restless in between expeditions and he thought Eren must too, so of course Eren would go. They were alike in that way, Levi believed, and if Eren did not understand that part of him then he reasoned that no one did. He should have known such carelessness only led to dismay.

The clouds grew darker as they maneuvered around merchant stalls where Eren admired every gold and silver trinket he laid his eyes on. He lifted each item in his hands, touched every pocket watch and necklace, like feeling those items brought them closer to him. Levi memorized each one in case he have reason to remember one day. It seemed that Eren liked petty things.

They sought cover under the awning of an old storefront when the rain began to pour. Levi was stiff against the paneled wall, frowning at the water that pooled around the toes of his boots. Beside him, Eren gave a small sigh as he shook off a chill in the cool, moist air. Levi still thought it strange how the sound alone could prickle his skin.

The streets emptied before them, leaving only covered wagons and carts spinning wheels in the sludge as they hurried to their destinations. Levi only wanted to drown out the buzzing in his ears, more deafening than the pounding pressure of the rain on rooftops and dirt. They stood there too long and Levi's chest started to fill with affection mirroring the water before him.

He opened his mouth and the puzzling words just came spilling out.

“I want you,” he said. 

He didn’t turn to look but he felt Eren falter just a bit. He shifted then, so their arms no longer touched and it was like the space emptied. Levi didn’t know why he’d said such a stupid thing, not even sure what his own words meant. He knew that he couldn’t love because he knew death far too well, an death was far too ugly. He didn't know what he could want Eren for.

“I said I want you,” he said again. The words were stubborn, just like the loud furious sound that echoed through his skull.

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

__________________

The whispers started soon after. _He’s always watching him_ they’d say behind their hands, a touch of disgust slipping into their tone. Levi acted like he never heard but his body felt heavier with each sideways glance. He knew he hadn't the time to deal with mindless gossip, but it wore on him like the rain that flooded the streets and washed away the dirt. 

That winter was the longest of Levi’s life. Eren no longer fetched his tea or lit his candles or re-oiled his gear. He didn’t joke with him or make meaningless threats. They were almost strangers again though Levi wasn't sure they'd ever been anything else. That loneliness was somehow heavier than he remembered.

If the sound became too loud Levi went out toward the back of the barracks and lit a cigarette. He didn’t smoke because he hated the way it smelled but he loved to watch the embers turn to ash and fall to his feet. It was his kingdom burning in the grass below him. It was the reminder that he had nothing to offer Eren. It was the reminder that he'd be forced to look upon Eren forever. 

He'd want Eren forever. 

Levi thought he hated Eren on nights like that. 

He'd return to his office and imagine Eren beneath him while he mulled through paperwork. He didn't know why. He imagined Eren’s chest rising with a heavy gasps and his tense body hot under Levi’s hands. He didn't know why. He made Eren moan and cry for him. He didn't know why. He made Eren tremble and shake. 

Levi rubbed himself through his pants until the words blurred on the pages before him, making himself miserable with the euphoria that surged through his veins. Then he suffered with the revulsion of his soiled clothing as long as he could stand it. His retribution was falling from his fingers like sand.

He just had to quell that awful sound.

_I’m not attracted to men, sir._

He’d scrub the floor of Eren’s room whenever that cicada stirred up an awful commotion again. Memories of Eren speaking to him in the rain always snuck up on him when he wasn't expecting it. He’d send the squad to kitchen duty to stay out of his way. He needed that time to piece himself back together. The change of the seasons was tearing him to shreds.

_I’m sorry, Captain._

Levi liked the way the room smelled, which was curious as he remembered it once smelled only wet and cold. He then felt hot, the remnants of Eren’s body still warm on his covers and his scent where it sank into the stone. 

_I’m sorry._

Levi felt as though he were grieving for his own death and he couldn't remember what it felt like to cry. When he was very young, his mother told him he cried more than other babies, at all hours of the night and even into the day. She’d smiled and laughed as though the memory were fond and said that Levi’s eyes must be empty after all of that fuss.

Levi had later thought that must be true that he'd used up all his tears, though he’d thought it teasing at the time. 

Hange had once said that crying released a chemical in the brain that made people feel happier when they were sad. Levi thought that a nice thing, so he wanted to ask. He needed relief and he needed it then. “Can brats cry so much they run dry?” he’d said to her, looking out on cadets who were happier than any Levi had ever known. Their world was backward.

“No, of course not!” she said with certainty. “The body always makes more. Even titans have tears, unlimited just like us. Animals too, you know.”

Levi thought of it then as pools of water that stretched forever inside him. He'd try to remember again when he was alone and cry enough that he'd flood his office floor.

But as much as he tried, Levi’s eyes remained empty and dry.

__________________

As spring moved in, there was no warmth. He lingered in Erwin’s office where there was more light from the window though it did little good. The Sixty-Fourth Expedition grew nearer with each passing day. They would at last make it to the rubble of Wall Maria to seal the broken wall. It felt like a looming deadline, though Levi couldn’t pinpoint why. 

"You're not eating well," Erwin had said with worry pinching his eyes. 

"You should reassign Eren to Mikasa's squad," Levi answered, staring out the window with his shoulder pressed upon the glass. "She would be happy about that." 

"Is that what you want, Levi?" Erwin asked carefully. 

"No," Levi answered. _You know I want Eren_. 

"Then it's not necessary," Erwin replied.

Levi let his head fall against the glass. "If you think so."

___________________

The night before they departed, Eren came to Levi’s office on his own. He brought him tea, lit his candles, and stirred the hearth. The stubborn words still buzzed in Levi’s ear, too loud and too strong. His throat felt dry and his heart raced, banging loudly against his chest. 

“Why did you come tonight?” Levi asked, when Eren handed him his glass. The hearth flared up and turned the room orange.

“Why did you come tonight?” he repeated when Eren remained quiet, irritation seeping into his voice. The cup shook in his hand. 

Eren bit the inside of his cheek, looking just to the right of Levi’s face. He studied that obnoxious cicada; Levi was certain that he saw.

“ _I want you_ ,” Levi said, his voice raw. He leveled his face and held his jaw tight. He put steel in his tone. He wanted Eren to fear him. “I said I want you. Do you know what that means? I said I want you.”

“Yeah,” Eren finally said and he looked just a bit cross, with the cute little crease in his brow. “I heard you the last time. I heard you every time. I kept thinking about you. Almost every night."

Eren stopped speaking but he sounded more annoyed than sweet. While Levi puzzled through his words, Eren padded toward where he sat and held his lips in thin line. He looked far too serious for his age there before Levi. His eyes were stern as he stepped behind Levi's desk and pressed his backside against the wooden edge. His hips touched Levi’s forearm that rested on the desktop and he felt warm. Levi was frozen in his chair, both awed and incredulous. Eren raised a hand to Levi’s jaw and his fingers skimmed over the soft skin. He leaned forward and hesitated just a hair’s breadth from where their lips would meet, like he'd only just realized what he was doing.

Levi thought he’d die then, Eren’s breath like smoke licking at his mouth and burning his eyes. His face felt wet and Eren’s scent clung to his clothes and seeped into his pours. There were a thousand questions that burned his tongue but he saw Eren so clearly. He was the sun that rose before him and heated him from above. He disappeared on the horizon, behind Levi's back. Levi was crawling to meet him again at daybreak across his ash-ridden kingdom. 

Levi would never know those answers.

When Eren kissed him, satisfaction overwhelmed him and he needed just one more. And one more after that. Eren tasted of honey, mint, and fire. He was more pure than tea and sweeter than wine. Levi's fever spread down his spine and into his legs. 

But for the first time in years, he heard only the quiet and the still.


End file.
